Different
by 1000th Ghost
Summary: Helga's thoughts on the bus ride back to the neighborhood, following her confession.


Different

By: 1000th Ghost

_Tell myself_

_On the ride home_

She could still feel it. The sensation of his lips on hers. She'd kissed him before. Twice in fact. But not like this. She'd done it. The one thing she'd wanted, _needed_, to do ever since she was three. She confessed. It was over. She'd done everything she could. So why did it feel like nothing had been accomplished?

_Getting tired_

_Hating all I've known_

She was sick of the whole thing. Her entire life had always been a lie. She'd pretend to hate him, he wouldn't care, only wonder. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after year. She hated their routine.

_Holding on_

_Like it's all I have_

But what else could she do? Tell him? Certainly not! At least…that's how things had been. She couldn't hold onto fantasy anymore. Reality had come, much sooner than she had expected. Time to embrace it.

_Count me out_

They were going to save the neighborhood. They were going to be heroes. She should be too. She'd done most of the work. They couldn't have done a ting without her. But she didn't want credit. She didn't want anyone to know she'd had any part in this. They'd ask why. Why. Why did she do it? She just answered that question. She didn't want to do it again anytime soon.

_When it's clear that I_

_Find it hard to say_

It was terrifying. It was exhilarating. It was the hardest thing she had ever done. Three words. Three little words. 'I love you'. That shouldn't have been so hard, should it? It certainly wasn't once she got started. The words started pouring out of her mouth; what had she even said? But regardless, it had been extremely difficult. She'd never been one to show her feelings. In fact, she'd been doing the exact opposite for her whole life. Until tonight.

_And you_

_Find it hard to care_

What did it matter? All that work, for what? He didn't love her.

_I wanted to see something that's different_

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This was supposed to be revolutionizing. Transforming. But nothing had changed.

_Something you said would change in me_

He had told her once that he knew she had a good heart, and one day she wouldn't be afraid to show it. Well, he'd asked for it. And boy, had he gotten it.

_Wanted to be anything different_

For four glorious minutes her guard had been down. _Completely _down. She had shown him who she really was, all masks aside. Her heart was in the open.

_Everything you would change in me_

But it wasn't enough. She still hadn't matched the image of his ideal girl. That much was obvious. But why? She wasn't particularly pretty or nice or smart, she'd admit that. And it wasn't as if she had made his life a walk in the park. But that could be changed. That _had _changed. Why couldn't he?

_Got this way_

_Upfront but never true_

She wouldn't be able to take it. Not like this. She couldn't have him know, have others know. He did know. There was nothing to be done to prevent that. But she could make him forget. Or at least pretend. She'd pretend to hate him, he wouldn't care. The only thing was he wouldn't wonder anymore.

_God, I'm wrong_

_This is the way I am_

She didn't want to do it. To have come all this way and then be back at square one! But what choice did she have? She did have a choice. A rather obvious one. More difficult, yes, but defiantly worth it in the long run. But she couldn't do it. She didn't have the courage to even try.

_Crashing down any chance you hear_

If she didn't let on, he wouldn't know. And even if he did, as long as it didn't seem that way, it would be okay. But was that what she wanted?

_Caving in any chance that you_

_Could see inside of me_

Yes, if she denied it, he wouldn't pursue it. _He wouldn't pursue it_. What was the point of that? She wanted him to pursue it! She wanted him to care! She wanted him to yearn for her the way she did for him! But she couldn't let him know.

_And I_

_Don't know what to say_

She wouldn't know how. She didn't want to know how. And even if she did know how, she wouldn't use it.

_It's fine_

_This isn't Hollywood_

So she wouldn't have a fairytale ending. It really wasn't the end of the world. Had she ever really thought that it would be perfect? That was what she wanted, of course. But real life didn't end up like in the movies.

_So fine_

_Getting in your way_

She would just have to continue to harass him. Then no one would know the difference. Except for him. But he would be discouraged. Disappointed. And eventually uninterested. It was the best way for everybody.

_I wanted to see something that's different_

_Something you said would change in me_

_Wanted to be anything different_

_Everything you would change in me_

She stole a glance at him. He didn't notice; blissfully unaware for the time being. There were more important things at stake than love. There was no time; they had to save the neighborhood. "There's no time for _that_…" Had she really meant that! Yes. Part of her brain had been screaming at her that it was wrong, that she was only nine years old. Then another part of her brain, a much stronger part, had come over, strangled the first part, and shouted, "WHO CARES!" And who did care? She certainly didn't. She was sick of the hiding and sick of the fighting. She wanted him.

_I'm taking a chance_

And she was willing to do anything to get him.

_This could be different_

But would she?

_This could be all I'm waiting for_

She wanted things to be different. She wanted him to see her with new eyes. She wanted to give up her old life, an empty mockery filled with secrets and lies, and move on to a new one. A life with him by her side.

_Taking a chance_

_This could be different_

_This could be all I'm waiting for_

What did she have to lose?

_I wanted to see something that's different_

_Something you said would change in me_

_Wanted to be anything different_

_Everything you would change in me_

She would let him decide the next move. If he wanted to take things to the next level, she certainly wouldn't complain. If he wanted time, that was okay too. Maybe they both needed a little time. But no matter what happened, things would definitely be different

_Something that's different_

The End


End file.
